she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
