i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
