i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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