Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
