shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you didnt know i had herpes?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
