I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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