Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
