I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
