Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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