it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
