My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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