Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
