fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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