she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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