Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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