Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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