Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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