I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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