There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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