I'd wear matching sweaters with you
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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