it's too hot outside to masturbate.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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