i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
