I met the friendliest cop last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
