im having a threesome with these popsicles
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
