the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are the jesus of drinking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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