matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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