I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
