Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
