party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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