I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
