You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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