mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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