just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
