I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
