We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
