Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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