Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.