i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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