Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Randomize
