Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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