this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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