so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
