I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
