Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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