Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
