I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
