I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm passing your future prison.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
