Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
