I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
