Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
