FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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