she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
