dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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