Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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