Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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