I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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