I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
