Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
