tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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