3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
