Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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