Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
