He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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