I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
