Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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