but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
